6 weeks ago I miscarried. My heart hurts just writing that sentence. Wow. It has been an emotional journey for me. Not devastating, like it has been for some women, and I will always be grateful for that... but emotional, nonetheless. In fact, I've cried a lot more than I ever thought I would.
Nate and I have never had any trouble getting pregnant. That's just not our trial in life. Figuring out how to deal with surprise babies and figuring out how to pay for them... now that's a whole different story. But actually getting pregnant has been easy for me. Which is why I thought I wouldn't ever be emotional towards a miscarriage.
So, back in April I had a false pregnancy test. Yeah, I know. That hardly ever happens. But it did. I took a test, it said "Pregnant", I called Nate, we were super excited because this will be our last baby, and I started planning immediately. 3 days later, I had a feeling to take a test again, and it came out negative. What the heck?! I took another test and it was negative. I was super confused and hoping it was a mistake, but it wasn't. I started my period the next day. Dang it! Oh well, that's life.
I got pregnant in May for realsies. I didn't find out until early June, and I took about 4 different tests because of what had happened in April, but I was definitely pregnant.
Now, I know it's super gross to post a pregnancy test online, but I'm doing it because it is the only real, tangible thing I have that meant I was pregnant. It is the only proof I have, and so I treasure these two pictures. Crazy, I know, but I can't explain it.
I was really excited because a good friend of mine found out she was pregnant on the same day I did, my sister-in-law just announced she was pregnant, and another friend told me she was pregnant. We were all due around the same time. Super cool!
About 3 weeks into the pregnancy, I started to feel that something was going to go wrong. Things in life were just too good to be true. Nate's job is going well (which has been a major trial for us the past 4 years), we aren't as broke as we used to be, I was able to take on 2 new clients (making it a total of 4 clients that I'm a virtual assistant for), and we just put an offer on our first home. Something was bound to go wrong. Everyone kept telling me I was crazy and that sometimes things DO go right for people, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
Then one Friday evening, I was just walking around my house, and all of a sudden, I felt a gush of blood come out. I had always thought that when you miscarry, you started bleeding a little and then you call your doctor and if you keep bleeding, then they'll want to see you. Mine was seriously like a water balloon popped. Nate was at his friend's house having a game night, so I called him. I told him we needed to go to the ER and get things checked out. By this time, my back started cramping. I have back labor, so I knew my body was trying to get rid of the baby. I was passing lots of clots, and things weren't looking good. I'm 99% sure I saw my baby and new it had come out on its own, but part of me just wanted to hope that it was still inside me.
Nate came and got me, and we took our girls to our friends house (the same house Nate was at) and we headed to the ER. We didn't say anything to each other. I honestly didn't know what to expect or what to feel. I knew none of this was even real to Nate. He hadn't been pregnant. He hadn't experienced the nausea or the fatigue. His boobs weren't tingling. He didn't gain 10 lbs immediately. He wasn't the one bleeding... It just wasn't real for him. I can't fault him for not feeling anything.
We waited in the ER f.o.r.e.v.e.r. Now, I'm pretty familiar with hospitals and how things work. I've been in many waiting rooms (the longest was about 9-10 hours while my brother was having surgery) so I'm used to waiting. But, even this wait was a little ridiculous. Finally, we were called back and they asked me a million questions, took my vitals, and then I had to undress, get in a hospital gown, and wait another hour so they could give me an ultra sound.
The ultra sound confirmed there wasn't a baby (just as I had thought). They estimated me to be about 8-9 weeks, although I don't think I was that far a long.They gave me instructions to follow up with my dr on Monday.
And that was that. It was about 1;30 in the morning. We drove home, picked up our girls, and went to bed.
I don't remember much that weekend, except I was super crampy. I posted on Instagram about my miscarriage the day after it happened. I've always been pretty open about my trials. Not because I want the attention, but because I need the support from others. I need to talk about things and know that I'm not alone. And you never know when someone else might be hurting and may need to connect to you on how to handle things. I literally believe that sharing is caring. :)
The love and support I felt was overwhelming. So many people reached out and offered emotional support. I felt totally loved.
It has been hard since because one of my good friends is pregnant. I see her a lot, and our girls play together, and it is really hard to talk pregnancy with her. When it comes up in our circle of friends, I literally just phase out and think about other things. It's not that I'm not happy for her... it's just hard. I'm not bitter at God or bitter towards her because she got to keep her baby and I didn't... but even 6 weeks later, I have a bunch of emotions that creep up at unexpected times, and I don't know how to handle them.
It's hard to miscarry because people show a lot of support at first, and then it tapers off. They move on with their lives and you move on with yours... except for when you get that email reminder that you would have been 14 weeks right now. Or you get that maternity countdown shirt you ordered in the mail. Or you see other ladies little baby bumps and you don't have one. That's when you feel alone. That's when you need someone to just hug you and just let you cry. There's nothing that could be said to comfort you, you just need to cry.
While I am sad that I miscarried, I am also grateful. Nate and I are in the middle of moving, and I didn't want to move while pregnant for the 3rd time. I moved when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Halle and 30 weeks pregnant with Colbie, and I didn't want to do it again. Well, God heard me! :) I also have a heavier work load and combine that with packing and the heat... there are many moments when I'm grateful I'm not pregnant.
Nate and I have decided to start trying for another baby as soon as we can. And by try, I just mean we will let nature take its course. If I get pregnant, that's great! If not, that's okay too. We have a lot on our plate, and have 3 beautiful girls to take care of.
There's a thing in Mormon culture that says that whatever baby you miscarry, you'll raise in the Millenium. I have mixed feelings on this. My baby was only like 5 or 6 weeks along when I miscarried (remember how I don't think I was as far as the drs thought... I'm pretty sure I was only 5 or 6 weeks along). I don't know if that's a whole other child, or if the spirit in heaven just rejected that body and said "I'll wait a little longer to come to earth". The funny thing is, Nate told me for the past year he's had a feeling that there's 5 kids that need to be in our family. 5! Maybe this miscarriage was the 5th child. Then I told him that I've had the thoughts of 5 children as well... I just didn't want to tell him. Yikes! I can't handle 5 kids! But sometimes it makes sense. We are buying a house that has 5 bedrooms, and it's big enough for us to raise a family of 7 there. But I only can handle being pregnant 1 more time. I can't do this 2 more times, especially with my pre-term/ple-eclampsia history. So, I prayed to God that if there are to be 5 kids in this family, He better send twins. Cause I'm only doing this whole pregnancy thing one more time. So.... I guess we'll see. :) Who knows if this miscarriage was to be our 5th child or if it was just the wrong timing to add another child.
What I do know is, this has really opened my eyes to be a little more sensitive and compassionate towards others. You never know what people are struggling with. You never know if they might feel alone or scared or they may just feel like crying. I have felt all of those things the past 6 weeks. I have felt detached from my friends. I have felt like it's something I can't talk to Nate about because he doesn't understand. I have had to deal with trying to be happy for other friends while mourning my own loss. And all I can say is, I hope and pray that if there's someone feeling down, that I can follow the Spirit and uplift them in some way.
This miscarriage definitely wasn't in my plans. But I have seen miracles this past year and I have a firm knowledge that God has a plan for us. And that plan is better than anything we could ever imagine.
