I feel like I just need a good ramble. I have so many things just running through my brain that it feels like it's going to explode if I don't get them out. So, this post is going to be sporadic and it's probably not going to make any sense, but that's the point in rambling right?
Today we had church. I absolutely love going to church. It's such a refresher and such a great reminder as to why I do the things I do. It uplifts me and makes me a better person. With that being said, church is hard with children. Those of you who have kids know what I'm talking about. And for those of you who are going to have children sometimes in the future, you will find out what I'm talking about.
Speaking of children... I just love my little girlies. They are so much fun! I love, love, love watching them interact with each other. They have this bond that makes my heart melt. They play screaming games where they just scream at each other. They are now at the point where they entertain each other. But they also cause a lot of mischief together... and that's ok. I can't help but laugh at some of the things they do. :) I have really struggled with being a mother. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. There are days when I feel like I am going to go clinically insane... but the good days far out way the bad days. Having two kids is hard. Really hard. Some days I don't want a third kid. Or a fourth kid. I'm perfectly content with two kids. But in my heart, I know there are more kidlets out there.
To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind to get pregnant again. My delivery and the past 16 months have been hell on my body. Toxemia is most common in the first pregnancy and if it's a boy pregnancy. Halle was neither. My OB said if I do want more kids, I need to have it within 6 years, because the risk of getting toxemia again is even higher. I get these horrendous headaches if I don't get enough sleep and for a long time my epidural sight was sore to the touch and would ache all the time. Nate said it was because I was so swollen they had to practically jam it into my back and they had to do it a couple of times. My next pregnancy I want to do a natural child birth . I am incredibly grateful to have had an epidural with Halle because I don't know if I would have had the energy to last through labor. She was a super small baby and was out within 15 seconds of pushing, so I'm pretty confident I can have a natural child birth. But whatever.
Going back to mothering. It has taught me a lot. I am a lot more patient (I know, if you think I'm impatient now, imagine what I was before I had kids!) I love that I get to stay home with them. I love just lounging around with them and taking them places. I was never meant to be a working mother. Maybe that's why I felt no desire to pursue a collegiate career. It's not what I wanted to do. Sure, I'm going to cosmetology school, but that's for fun. It'll be my fun money.
When I was single, I always wanted somebody who would allow me to be a stay at home mommy. I wanted that security of knowing I could be home with my kids. I know you're supposed to love somebody despite how much money they make, but I just really lucked out with Nate. In fact, I look at his list of accomplishments, and I'm continually amazed that he would want to be with somebody like me. I mean, he was Seminary Council President, served a great mission to Taiwan, learned Mandarin, and is now completing a Masters degree in Accounting. But not only that, he is kind and non judgemental, and he has an incredible amount of patience. He makes me laugh everyday and helps to lighten my grumpy moods. Uh, I have accomplished nothing. This past semester, I have had opportunities to meet some of his classmates, and I get really intimidated by the women in the Master's program. And the other day it hit me that Nate will be associated with this highly educated women on a daily basis.... So what does he see in me? I have no accomplishments to brag about. But obviously he sees something in me. And that makes me happy. Happy that he appreciates me for who I am and for the wife and mother that I am. It makes me happy that he doesn't need somebody with tons of college knowledge. And it's helping me to realize just how important my role as a mother is. I am shaping 2 little lives right now, and there are things that I have learned that couldn't be taught in school. I am an artist, a chef, a doctor, a taxi, an actor, a housekeeper, and a decorator. I'm also a translator. I translate what Ava says to other people. I am grateful that Nate has faith in me to be home everyday with our 2 yahoos and that he values what I do.
During our marriage, we've had an opportunity to have our roles reversed. I do work a couple of days a week, and during semester breaks, I pick up extra shifts because Nate's home with our girls. This has been good for the both of us. Good for me because I know what it'll be like when Nate works long days and he just wants to come home and play. I do my best to make sure that the house is clean, the kids are happy, and that dinner is on the table. It's also been good for him because now he knows what it's like to go grocery shopping with the kids, and how crazy life can get with you put a toddler and a baby in the mix and you have to get the laundry done, the bathroom cleaned, and the dishes done. We have come to appreciate each other's roles.
I know I should be grateful for a place to live, but I am getting sick of our apartment. Blah. Trying to cram 4 people into 600 square feet is really hard. And we're growing. Blah. We honestly have no where to put anything. Blah. I have decided to take pictures of our apartment so that when we have a house, and I start complaining about my house, all I have to do is pull out pictures of our apartments and remember what we used to live in.
Speaking of house.... these are my next major purchases when we have a house:
New vacuum.
Washer and dryer.
New TV and ET.
New kitchen table. A bigger one.
A bed for Ava.
A dishwasher (if it doesn't have one).
The past couple of months, I've had some medical issues. They can't really find out what's wrong with me, so for now, I really don't have feeling from head to toe. I feel things, but it's like a muted sensation. They said I am displaying classic symptoms of MS, but I don't have any lesions on my brain. That's not to say that something couldn't show up in the future... But let's just say I have witness quite a few tender mercies from the Lord. Did you know that IHC has a financial assistance program? We qualified. We've had to pay some of the bill, but it's next to nothing. I am grateful for modern technology and for doctors and nurses. I hate the stupid health care bill and for what it's going to do to the quality of health care. I have honestly received top notch health care from people who are genuinely concerned. I went into the ER because when I first experienced my numbness, they thought I was having a mini stroke. I walked right in to the ER and I was treated BEFORE they asked me my insurance info. I waited for 5 minutes in the waiting room. Stupid health care bill. Blah.
Nate graduates in one more semester. That's it! But he doesn't have a job. We might be looking into moving to Texas. I would be down with that. I would love to live outside of Utah. Now, I have this thing where I make plans about our future, even though nothing is set in stone. I all ready have checked out cosmetology schools and houses and jobs in Texas. I know exactly how much we need for a down payment on a house.
It scares me that Nate doesn't have a job. I know he is capable of getting one, and that he'll exceed in wherever he goes. A couple of months ago, he interview with a firm in SLC and it was like a match made in heaven. He didn't get the job. We were devastated. And it was one of those things that we had prayed that Heavenly Father's will be done, and when it was done, we didn't agree with it. But we have picked ourselves up and our lives are completely in His hands. I will go wherever He wants us to go (Texas, maybe?) and I will support my husband in whatever he does. My faith was tested, and I have spent a lot of time on my knees pleading to Heavenly Father as to where He wants us. I still don't know where we are supposed to go, but I know that we will be provided for.
Tithing works. I have a firm testimony of that. We have been taken care of the past 5 years because we pay our tithing. I know that.
I really dislike panhandlers. They drive me crazy. Want to know what else drives me crazy? When people don't wear deodorant.
I love driving out to work on Saturday mornings. The sunrise across the valley is just beautiful. I also love it when I see people out jogging while I'm driving. As I drive past them, I smile and think "Good for you!". I love sleeping in. I'm never fully awake before 8:30 a.m.
I bite my nails. I've bitten them for as long as I can remember. I hate it, and I stop for a couple of months, but then I just start biting them again.
I shower every other day. Nate thinks it's disgusting, but I just don't feel like doing my hair every day.
I love it when Halle says, "Baby!" when she sees her doll. I love it when babies say baby.
Well, it's late friends. I have to get up early because I've got Christmas to prepare for this whole week. I love this time of year, but I'm sad that Christmas is so commercialized. People seem to have forgotten why we celebrate Christmas. I am grateful for Christ's birth. I have thought a lot about what it meant for Mary to travel to Bethlehem when she was so pregnant and then to have to deliver her baby in the stable. And I've thought about what it truly meant to have the Savior of the world lying in a manger. So humble.
Merry Christmas.
