Counting Blessings...

 Over the past few days, I've had to come to terms with a few things, and it hasn't been easy for me to deal with. I have had one too many pity parties.... and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't bother even putting mascara on because it just drips right off... I have been frustrated with watching things fall into place for a lot of our friends, and I find myself just wondering why things just aren't going our way. Ever feel this way? 

Well, yesterday, I'd had it. I fell to my knees and just let the tears run. Why? I asked. Why can't Nate and I ever seem to get ahead of the game?   Having kids while Nate was in school wasn't easy. And now, having 3 kids while he is just starting his career has been harder than I ever could have imagined. Oh, how I long for the days where we lived in student housing and everyone had crap cars, and everyone had hand-me-down couches, and everyone had carpet that was handed down from previous tennants.... Those of you who lived in student housing know what I'm talking about!

And now, I've had to come to the realization that Nate and I aren't going to be owning a home for a long time... and when I say long time, I'm not talking like another 3 or 4 years.... I'm talking another 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 years, and that's been an extremely hard pill to swallow. We often joke that buying our first home is going to be our mid-life crisis, and sometimes I don't know if it's a joke or not. We've already been married 7 years, and to think that we'll be married 14 or 15 years before we have a home is just downright disheartening. It's so hard to watch everyone else by their first home or watch people upgrade to newer and bigger homes.... I'm so happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it's still hard.

But I guess we all have our crosses to carry.

So, while I was praying, I prayed to just remember my blessings. I know I have them, and I know I've been given many great things, but it seems that I'm always focusing on the blessings I don't have. And my friends, prayer is a powerful thing. As I finished my prayer, I came downstairs and talked to Nate (who was just getting home from a run) and he told me about some problems our friends are having. I text my friend to see if everything was alright with her, and as we were texting back and forth, I realized that I would rather be in my position than her position. And as I went to bed last night, I felt as if my burden was lifted. Blessing #1.

Today, I was awoken by a phone call from one of my good friends who needed me to watch her daughter. Her other daughter had her tonsils taken out yesterday, and there was some complications so they had to take her back up to the hospital, and needed someone to pick Miss C up from school and watch her for the day. Of course, I was more than happy to help! As I was driving to pick Miss C up from school, I realized how blessed I am to be able to stay home with my girls, and that I'm in a position where I can help other people out. Blessing #2.

Although Nate and I are on an extremely tight budget, we are able to make it work, and we are able to save (finally!) a little bit each month. Some months, it's as little as $5, but that's still something. I am grateful to have gained a testimony of tithing early on and I know that we are able to only make things work because of it. Being able to stay home has always been my dream, and I know that it's not possible for a lot of people. Blessing #3.

Nate had to go to ward council tonight. He normally doesn't go, but the YM President couldn't go, so Nate went. I have been blessed with the most amazing husband on the planet. Nate has a firm testimony of the gospel. He studies his scriptures every morning, and he is solid. There are so many men these days who are wishy-washy, but Nate is not. He knows what he believes. Blessing #4.

Nate is a hard worker. I have known that from the beginning. I love the fact that I got to know him while we were co-workers because I saw how he really treated people and what his work ethic really was. Nate's hard work and drive has secured him an amazing education. While we are paying a pretty, pretty, pretty penny for that education, it is something that I would never take back. Blessing #5.

Nate has a job. There are some aspects of his job that are frustrating, but he is home every day at 4 p.m. and doesn't work the weekends. He also has picked up a little umpiring gig that has brought in a little more money, and it also allows Nate to be surrounded by baseball. Which he loves. Blessing #6.

Nate and I are able to serve in the church. Recently, he was called as Young Men's President, which is a bigger calling, and requires a lot of time and effort, especially since the majority of young men don't have a stable father figure.... The leaders in the YM organization have to put forth a lot of effort to make sure these boys even get to church. Lots of phone calls are made and lots of rides are given because there is such a lack of parent involvement. I am serving as the secretary in the Relief Society and as one of the ward organists. I absolutely love  my callings! I have also been asked to be involved with a multi-stake youth dance, which has practice every Saturday. While Mondays are taken up with FHE, Tuesdays are YM, Wednesdays I have RS meetings, Thursdays are Ward Council and other ward meetings, some Fridays are spent with overnight campouts, and I have dance practice on Saturdays, it seems that Nate and I are on opposite schedules and get to spend a few brief moments together on Saturday afternoons.... and between that there are kids to be watched for our friends, families that need help moving, meals to be brought to families... but we know what we've covenanted to do. I feel sometimes as if the Lord is testing us to see just how much we are willing to serve, and while I drag my feet sometimes, I feel invigorated and a sense of renewed energy and I hope the Lord knows that I'm willing and ready to give it my all. Nate and I are in this together, and while it may seem like a circus at times, we are learning to juggle by each others side. Blessing #7.

I have been blessed with great parents. Yes, they drive me nuts sometimes... but they have been incredible examples of hard work and service. They've been dealt some pretty crappy cards, but yet they've persevered through it. My mom has worked my entire life. Has it been what she's wanted? Absolutely not. But handouts weren't given to her, and she knew she had a family relying on her. They took in my 3 cousins without asking for any help. A week after my cousins moved out, my youngest brother was diagnosed with cancer, and we have dealt with ongoing medical issues for 16 years. Countless surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, CAT scans, MRI's, consultations, and fighting with insurance companies hasn't been easy. But you know what? My parents haven't asked for a DIME from anyone to pay for all of my brothers bills, which have been pretty hefty. And they handle other health concerns that they both have.They both work full time jobs to ensure that my brother has the medical coverage he needs and so they can pay for his medication, which is about the same as renting a small apartment each month. I watch them both work 40-60 hours each week and on their days off, they are temple workers PLUS they both have stake callings. My mom is stake YW president, and my dad is over the stake technology. I am so proud of them. They are firm in their testimonies, and they LIVE the gospel. They are constantly mindful of others, and are willing to do whatever is asked of them. Blessing #8.

I am a mother. This has been my greatest blessing to date. I can see how much I've changed in the past 5 1/2 years. I am much more patient and flexible.... and I'm starting to realize that time goes too fast. Ava is starting school this fall and I am so scared! I will no longer be her biggest influence... and I have no idea what she will be learning from other kids. All I know, is that we have tried to teach her right and wrong, and we are going to have to trust her. She is such a good girl, and I know she has a testimony. Halle is no longer a toddler, but a little girl. She has so much spice and spunk that I know I'm going to have my hands full. But in little moments, she is tender and sweet. Colbie is almost 6 months old, and every day I wish that time would stand still. She is such a happy baby, but yet she is wise. Often times I find her just intently staring at me or Nate while we are doing something and when we catch her stare, we'll smile and she'll give us a bashful smile in return. She melts me through and through! My girls are definitely bright spots in my life. They don't care about name brands, or what kind of car we drive. All they know is if they are loved. And yes, they are definitely loved. Blessings #9, #10, and #11.

We have amazing friends. I have become really close with some ladies up here, and they have been such tremendous blessings to me. I know that anything I need, they'll be there. They don't have family around either, so they understand the struggles and frustrations that come from living far away. They understand just how precious it is to just have an hour or two away from your kids and be able to run errands or go to the doctors. They also understand what it's like to fully incorporate kids into your life. We are with our children pretty much round the clock, and have to learn to balance taking them to presidency meetings, youth activities, grocery shopping, juggling doctor appointments, and maybe not going out on dates as much because we don't have a lot of youth that can babysit. Every other week we go to a pizza place and let our kids run wild in the play place for about 5 or 6 hours. Yes, the kids are there, but it's our chance to just talk and talk. We also go to parks together, fabric stores, the mall, and other various places. We call them our Oregon cousins. Up here, friends are literally like family. I dearly love my kids, but unless you've never experienced living far away from family, you'll never truly understand what it's like to not be able to drop your kids off at grandma's for the night.... Blessing #12.

Life is hard. Knowing the road that Nate and I are supposed to take is hard. Being a mom is hard. But when I'm not challenged, I don't grow. All I know is I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who does have a plan for this little Cash family. We weren't sent here to wander aimlessly.... He has given us instructions and is guiding us to where He wants us. I just need to be able to set aside my blinders so I can see the bigger picture.