Christmas 2.0.1.3.

Christmas. It has come and gone, and I think I will forever remember this Christmas. Not because it was anything super special, but I know I will remember the feelings I've had this past year.

This Christmas was a very different one for us. It was the first one without any family. The past couple of years, my brothers and my parents have traveled up here and spent it with us, but this year it was just us. It was a lot harder on us than we anticipated. I get the most homesick around the holidays, knowing that everyone else is spending it together, and we're just up here.

But, I am grateful in a way, because Nate and I are able to establish our own traditions. We are able to do things the way we like them, and I really like that aspect of being up here. But this year, I couldn't listen to the song "I'll Be Home For Christmas" because it stung a little.

Christmas was a lot smaller for us. Yes, we did get our kids a Barbie Dreamhouse (and a couple of Barbies to go in it... I just couldn't have some of the hideous Barbies we own set foot in that dreamhouse!), but I got it on a very good deal, and that was pretty much all my kids got from us. There were the usual stocking stuffers like underwear, a new toothbrush, and a little necklace I found on clearance, but that was it. I got Nate a pie plate (it's what he wanted... I swear!) and he got me a little makeup organizer.

On Christmas Eve, we decorated sugar cookies, like we do every year. We also eat a humble dinner that consists of grilled cheese and tomato soup, to remind us of the Savior's humble circumstances surrounding His birth.

After we sent the girls to bed, I finished some last minute things, and Nate put together that dreamhouse. It was a sight to behold! I love that he is so involved in our girls' lives and that he wants to decorate cookies with them and set up their gifts and stocking stuffers. He even took all 3 girls out Christmas Eve to Target to get my gift! Now, that is a brave man!

No dreamhouse is complete unless it has Barbie and Midge. Look guys, these Barbie's are legit. They can bend at the knees and elbows, and even have real eye lashes. It made me a little jealous!

This dreamhouse is like the real deal. It has 2 elevators, the doorbell rings, the blowdryer makes noise, the toilet flushes, and it even has little tiny utensils for the Barbies to eat with! The girls loved it so much, that we made breakfast and ate while they played with it, and then we opened the rest of our gifts!

Santa brought Colbie a car (and that wasn't even going to happen until I was at Goodwill like 2 days before Christmas and found it for $5!) and some new shoes that cost a whopping $5. Yes, we spent a total of $10 on her this year. That's just how it goes sometimes. Oh, and pardon her bed head.

Here's the real reason why this Christmas has had such an effect on me... I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, and in fact it's really hard to admit that you are that dang poor, but the lessons I've learned have been astounding.

I used to hate the song "Little Drummer Boy". It really struck a nerve with me. But I was listening to it on the radio, and as I listened to the words, I realized that I had a lot in common with that little boy. This year, I have felt like I had nothing to give anyone that they couldn't just go buy themselves. We couldn't afford to do any Christmas for extended family and it broke my heart not to send anything, but we just couldn't do it. I would totally be up for giving a gift of service, but we are a million miles away, so that really wouldn't work.  All the money we spent on Christmas this year was earned from my Etsy sales, so we had a very meager budget to work with, and it was all we could do to even provide a little something for our kids.

I also had to teach the Sunday before Christmas, and I was a nervous wreck. First, I'm not really a teacher. I haven't really learned how to teach, and I usually contribute by playing a musical number, so I get super nervous when I have to teach (which isn't very often, thank goodness!). In preparation for my lesson, I read and reread the nativity story over and over and discovered lessons in it that have become very tender to me. The first being of the Innkeeper. I know I have shut Christ out this year. I have been mad and bitter and angry and unwelcoming of any sort of Spirit. I know that not finding time to feel the Spirit and listen to what my Heavenly Father wants me to do has been a source of my misery and for  the past couple of months, I really haven't cared. I have been miserable, and I have wanted to stay that way. But, life is not meant to be lived in misery, and step by step, little by little, I am trying to do my part so that I can have Christ in my life. I don't want to shut Him out.

The second lesson was from the shepherds. There were some shepherds that couldn't go and see the Christ-child, but they heard about it from other witnesses and they knew that it was real. I have never seen God or Jesus, but I know Joseph Smith did and I know that our prophet today is in communication with them. As mad/bitter/andgry/sad/resentful I want to be, I know it's real. I know Christ walked this earth and I know that He performed miracles, and I need to be more like those humble shepherds.

The third lesson was from the 3 Kings, or Wisemen. Their journey to the Savior was a long one. It took them a few years, and I'm sure there were times when they wanted to turn back. But, they continued on, following that star. I feel like my journey to Christ this year has been a long one. It has been bumpy, uncomfortable, and I'm still not there. But like the wisemen, I have a star. My path is before me, and if I follow that star, there will be the Savior waiting at the end of it.

One of the final lessons I have learned is from Mary. I love the song "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant and have listened to it about 60-70 times this past month. I can't imagine the loneliness Mary faced, being pregnant with God's son, and especially when she wasn't married. Pregnancy is so hard and so taxing, and it just takes everything out of you, and then to travel on a donkey into a city, and to be rejected over and over when trying to find a place to stay, and then to finally deliver your baby in a stable, of all places. I'm sure she called on Heavenly Father many times over to carry her through. One of my favorite phrases in the song is "I offer all that I am, for the mercy of Your plan". Mary's burden wasn't a bad one. She gave herself and her life to raise the Savior. I can't imagine the difficulties she had to endure even after He was born, but she really did offer all that she had, and still had burdens to bear.

Nate and I feel like we are giving all that we have. We have 2 major callings in our ward to fulfill, and trying to serve in those callings has been a challenge for us. Sunday nights, I meet for Relief Society, he has YM on Tuesday nights, some Wednesdays I have RS meetings, every other Thursday he has to go to ward council, and every other Thursday, I go on visits for RS, and in between all that there are ward activities, campouts, the dance festival, visiting teaching, feeding the missionaries, attending missionary discussions,  I play the organ every 3 months, he is responsible for the Sacrament each week, we pick people up for church and drop them off, are asked to watch people's kids during the week, or to take meals to families, I'm asked to play for musical numbers, he has Round Table stuff for scouts to attend to, monthly scout committee meetings, and his YM presidency meetings to organize and host at our house, and in the mix we are trying to manage our 3 girls and all that comes with taking care of them, Nate's job, his new job search, my Etsy store, and teaching piano...

Yes, our callings have been major trials in our lives this year on top of our temporal challenges that we've been facing. But if God gave the mother of His son trials, I can expect to have some as well. But how did she handle her burdens? I'm sure she was a lot more graceful in handling them than I've been.

I don't know why God is testing us with our callings right now. I don't know why we are here, an eternity away from our family, and why we've been put into this position of having Nate as YM President, and me as Relief Society Secretary. To be honest, I have greatly doubted this plan. I have doubted God's wisdom, and have come dangerously close to just calling it quits and going inactive. Really, that would be the easy way to do things. Stop paying tithing? Temporal trial solved. Stop serving in the church? Stress lowered.

Stop believing in God's plan and just live life the way I want to? Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind more times than I care to admit...  But then I've let Satan win, and I can't let that happen. I just can't. Why?

Because the story of the Nativity is one about miracles. It's about hope and a pure love. I believe in miracles. I've had several happen to me the past few weeks. The few times I have prayed this past month, they have been directly answered. I am clinging to my hope because we really have nothing else. Just like those wisemen who journeyed for months and months, I will continue my journey to Christ. It doesn't end here.

The gift I most want for my children is the gift of my testimony. I want them to know that I serve because I want to be more like my Savior. I want them to know that I've had to work through some terrible feelings, but I haven't worked through them alone. I want them to know that when I lay awake at night and plead with my Father in Heaven for relief to come, that He has heard my prayers. How do I know that? Because I hear my children in the middle of the night. I hear their little sniffles and coughs and stirrings, and I am aware of them constantly. So my Heavenly Father is with me.

I love the scripture in Luke where it says "But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart."
After much pondering, I know the steps I need to take to let Christ back into my life and into my heart. I know that He is waiting for me, loving me for who I am.

And that is the gift I have been given this Christmas season.