How I Changed This Weekend

There is none,   

In all this cold and hollow world, no fount

Of deep, strong, deathless love, save

that within

A mother's heart.

~Felicia D. Hermans

  One of my good friends just had a baby. I took dinner to her on Saturday night, and was excited to see her and the wee little one. Of course I had to hold her baby. As soon as I held little Savannah, I was overcome with emotion. For the first time in my pregnancy, I was struck with the reality that in 5 short months, I'll be holding and snuggling my own baby. And I actually wanted to hold my own baby. Up until that moment, my feelings about having another baby have been completely muddled. It's not that I didn't want to have another child, it's just that I wasn't really excited or even emotionally attached. I have kept myself distanced from really feeling anything besides stress, worry, fear, and anxiety. I've been sick, exhausted, overwhelmed, and most days I would get out of bed and ask "What have I gotten myself into?" I know some people are gonna think that I'm a terrible person for thinking these things, but it's the truth. I haven't really wanted this child.
     But it's simply amazing how in one simple moment, emotions rather than logic, take over. When I held Savannah, I was so overcome with love for my own baby that I cast aside all the worry and stress that I've built up over the past 16 weeks. I just wanted November to be here so I can snuggle and mooch on my own little one. I finally wanted this baby to come into our family.
     Babies are such precious gifts from God. Their spirits are so strong, and the love a mother has for her child is something that cannot be put into words. There are times when my children drive me absolutely bonkers, but every night when I check on them before I go to sleep, I just sit and stare at them and think how beautiful and amazing they are. They fill my heart with such happiness and joy that I simply can't imagine my life without them... and to think that we've been blessed to have another one to love and care for!
     My heart was filled this weekend, and my life was changed, all by holding a sweet newborn. Sure, the worries and fears and anxieties that I had before are still there, but they've been overcome by love and by a longing to have this baby in my arms.