Hey blogging world, what up? I know I haven't written anything in like a month, and I'm not going to apologize and say I need to get caught up and blah, blah, blah.
I haven't written on purpose.
Say what? Purposely not writing? Pffftt....
I've started so many blog posts about this and that, but my heart just wasn't in it.
It seems like every day I am sorting through fresh and tender feelings about my life right now.
One day, I'm totally fine and know that the Lord has His hand in all things and that things are going to work out.. one day... I have faith that He knows me and my pain right now...
and other days, I am Debbie Doubter. Big time. I will burst into tears over how things are going to work out... I burst into tears because I am just frustrated with things... I burst into tears because I'm so overwhelmed with life in general...
and on and on and on.
That's been my life the past 6 months or so, and it's been hard. Real hard.
But, it's reality, and I'm now approaching adulthood, so I just need to deal with things.
But there are very tender moments that I know God is watching over me, and I recognize where all my fear and anger is coming from. It's not from God, but from the guy from the fiery inferno.
I have tender mercies like the time I prayed for 3 sales in my Etsy shop one week... and I got exactly 3 sales that week. 2 of them came super late Saturday night, but I got them.
Or the time where I had serious questions about my testimony, and the next day my visiting teacher came over and said things that were answers to those serious questions... and I never told her about my questioning.
Or the time when I just got the most peaceful feeling that God is aware of me and my struggles.
Literally, that thought came so plain into my mind, I stopped what I was doing and looked around
to see if someone was there talking to me.
Or the fact that I have the most amazing friends here in Oregon who have been my rock.
I know my family loves me, but since they're miles away, there's not really anything they can do to help me function day to day. But God has blessed me with friends that have been tailor made for me. They are incredible, and mean the world to me.
Or the time when I took Easter pictures, and looked over at Halle and just saw her standing there with her eyes closed, basking in the sun with a little smile on her face. It was a moment that pierced my soul.
Because of all the emotions I've had over the past few months, Easter was a really tender day for me.
This video was put out, and it spoke volumes to me.
This video was put out, and it spoke volumes to me.
Because of Him, I can overcome my trials, sorrow, heartache, and pain. Despite all I've felt, the verses in D&C 122 come to mind:
" 7. And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
I have a good life, much to be thankful for. I have beautiful children who test me and try me, but they love me, even at my worst.
I have the most amazing husband. He is my rock. He is my best friend. He makes me laugh, he listens to stupid country songs that make me cringe, he makes delicious waffles, he works so hard to provide for our family, he challenges me.
Most of all, I have a Savior who won't give up on me, even when I have almost given up on Him.
Living the gospel is hard, and having complete faith and trust in the Lord is hard.
But it's clearly a lesson I am needing to learn.
As I ask myself "Is it really worth it? Why am I serving in the church? Why do I pay tithing? Why do I spend 3 hours every Sunday, sometimes juggling 2 callings and crazy children, at church? Why? Why? Why?"
And I'll tell you why.
Because of my kids.
They need to grow up knowing about God and Jesus Christ.
They need morals and they need to have studied the scriptures.
They need to have a testimony of prayer and of the prophet.
They need to learn to trust in the Lord.
And if they need it, so do I. I'm just as much a child of God as they are.
And they need to be taught by their parents.
And that means that we've got to stick with what we know is true, even when it's hard and inconvenient, and logically not making sense.
I do love my Savior and Heavenly Father.
There are times when I feel like a teenager screaming at my parents,
"Ugh! You don't know anything about me! You haven't been through what I'm going through!"
But we all know that our parents wanted what's best for us, and they always saw the bigger picture,
when we didn't.
And that's how God is. He sees the bigger picture. And if I'd just not rebel so much and spend more time seeking and praying, I may see that bigger picture too.
I snapped this picture on Easter, and it has become one of my favorites.
Colbie just climbed onto the ottoman, and just sat still for a few minutes.
In the background, you can see the remnants of the Easter baskets, but she didn't pay any attention to them.
She just sat still... looking out the window... as if she were thinking about something.
It reminds me that I should do the same. Just stop and think and ponder about things.
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